Freedom Fighter
Term someone used on Google to find my blog: “Can a wuss be a freelancer?”
Um, yes and no.
I am a certified wuss. In fact, I said it just the other day. And I have been freelancing for five years now. BUT — and here comes the NO part — my business has not really grown, I’m stuck doing work I don’t enjoy because I’m too afraid of doing the work I would love to do, and, well, I have lots of issues with all kinds of things. I’m writing about it. Read it all here.
Because I’m learning that a wuss cannot be a successful freelancer, I’m doing all kinds of good things (Martha would be proud), thanks to all the blog reading I’ve been doing, which has been inspiring me, introducing me to rockin’ people, and keeping up my resolve. I’ve started getting up early. I’ve started keeping a daily goals journal (I crossed off every single goal yesterday!! All five of them! But they were big for me). I’m writing, I’m researching, I’m consulting with smart people who know what’s up about marketing and business and laser targeting to overhaul this sad little thing called freelancing I pretend to do. I’m reading books on becoming a famous writer before I’m dead. I’m devouring short stories and novels I want to influence me: in other words, I’m reading what I want to write. And in other words, I’m doing stuff to help me stop being such a wuss.
Tonight I went to Chapters with the sole intention of buying a gift card for one of my clients (for all the right reasons and because I’m cool like that) and then getting out. But the second I stepped in the store, I was lost. I breathed in that sexy fragrance of printed pages and coffee and ink and before I knew it my gut was telling me I just had to buy these four books (buy three, get the fourth free!). But here’s the thinking that led me to that sweet point of cradling four books to my chest (not, as you might think, the signs I was reading): this is where I need to be! I’m surrounded by successful authors! I’m sandwiched between people who are joyfully buying their books! I’m going to be here on the shelves someday, no matter how long it takes me to improve! I am hobnobbing with good shit here! (God, did I ever need to get out of the house!) And reading it, on top of that, will be like eating right for my type.
The experience (though it’s not like I wasn’t in Chapters only last weekend but this was TOTALLY different because I’m in a [re]new[ed] frame of mind) reminded me of when I used to go to author signings every year. I’ve met a gazillion authors I respect, such as Atwood and Ondaatje and Shields and Ann-Marie MacDonald and Anne Michaels and Thomas King (who actually remembered me after seeing me only once a year before) and Kogawa and Richler and so many more. Remembering these good times, and a life of passion I used to live about ten years ago, I took a deep breath and riffled pages and sniffed books and caressed covers and read descriptions of good authors. I actually felt inspired to write. All this talking about writing and reading fiction and chatting with you guys — it’s all actually getting me in the right frame of mind.
All that to say: I’m conquering fears. Not alone, but I’m doing it. Tonight I felt fierce determination (here’s lookin’ at you, Karen, even though “fierce day” is officially tomorrow) to succeed — at my business and my writing.
This year has been one of major accomplishments for me. I finally got my driver’s licence, which I was deathly afraid of for a million years, more afraid than embarrassed by all the “WHat?! You’re 34 and you don’t have your licence yet?!” comments. I passed my exam to become a financial advisor — and you should know that math and me are like oil and water. Doing numbers to me is like trying to bite myself in the forehead. It was a four-hour gruelling exam during which I shook and sweat and almost gave up several times. I watched other people quit. I cried for long hours afterward, thinking I had failed. I was too scared to do it but I made myself do it. And I don’t even practise as a financial advisor. We also bought a house in January, which was supposed to be impossible, but I pushed through and refused to accept no for an answer.
The thing is, I’m done with picking and choosing when I’m going to be fearless and when I’m not. I have to acknowledge my fear, accept it, and then say, okay, I’m not cool with sucking. I’ve always hated it. And not doing something I really want to do because I’m scared (changing my business completely, writing and being published) means I’m refusing to live out my potential. Because I actually believe that’s our purpose in life — discovering our full potential — being scared means I’m refusing to live my life the way it was intended. I’m not really down with that, either.
So to answer your question whether or not a wuss can be a freelancer (in a really roundabout way, I admit): You may be freelancing and a wuss, but you can’t stay a wuss forever. You simply won’t be successful. I’m working on overcoming my fears and getting my scared ass organized. I’m grabbing my dreams by the collar and growling, “C’mere you!” As God is my witness, I will be a wuss no more!
(Er – at least for today. But I’ll keep trying!)
Filed under: freelancing | 27 Comments
By writing this Steph, you’ve shown you’re not a wuss.
I always liked this:
“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”
-Frank Herbert, Dune
Whoa! How did you read this already? I just got done editing it! I must have pressed publish instead of save!
Tei quoted a bit from that as well and then I just read it in some other novel recently, or was it quoted in a movie? It’s so weird how this quote is showing up all over the place for me lately!
Thanks for posting it here. I LOVE it! It sounds so…empowering.
PS. You know, I own that book. I guess I had better read it now! I don’t know what I’ve been waiting for. My sister waxes poetic about it, and — hey! — she quoted me your passage too!
Dune will rock your world.
After this post, I really don’t think you can claim to be a wuss anymore. Wusses hide, they don’t proclaim to the world that they are wusses. Scared, yes. Wuss, no.
Oh, yeah, and wusses don’t kick an unnamed person into gear to get that unnamed person’s writing online.
@Shawn: Woohoo!!!
Is that all you have to do, just proclaim you’re a wuss and then you’re free?
YESSS!
Ahaha!
That’s right, boy, and did you do it? I want to read!
Steph, I am just blown away every time I read your posts by your incredible talent. I stood up and cheered as I read this post, good on you for moving through the fear! You are not a wuss. You have proven that by facing your fears, and blowing right through them. Your book will be on that shelf one day soon (well after they restock because they’ve sold out of your first order).
If you need a cheering section, hon you’ve found one!
Karen: Wow. I mean, thank you. I’m very, very touched by your comments and enthusiasm. As I recall, you were the first to cheer me on, way back when I decided to go for that Lonely Planet job. And you know what? I passed the screening and have the test on the 14th. I’m scared shitless!! But I keep remembering your comment to me, encouraging me. I can’t stop now!
Thank you so much for saying you love my writing (I just saw your email!). I’m feeling all verklempt! I never dreamed I’d be reading something like this or supported by such wonderful people. Blogging was the best decision I’ve made in a very long time! Who knew!
@Steph, pretty much. But it probably works better if you proclaim that you won’t be a wuss anymore
A wuss is a wuss only if they let their wussiness get in the way of their life.
And yes, I did do it. Let’s see if I can get this right. The Site.
Shawn: You DID IT!!! So cool!! I can’t wait to read your stuff! Thank you. And you should thank you, too!
(also cool: I didn’t even know you guys could make a link in the comments!)
PS. Also checking out your ghostwriter site…
Good lord, I forgot that thing was still up. I wonder what’s on there. Maybe I should take a look at it too.
LOL!
Thanks for the great comments. I am sorry that your honeysuckle doesn’t smell.
Haha! No prob. As for the honeysuckle, maybe next year…
Steph,
Catching up on a week’s worth of reading this a.m. and every post her at IOW is better than the last. I’m actaully glad I read five in a row because they had such an impact like that.
This will not be one of Kelly’s trademarked LongComments because I have only one thing to say:
This. Post. Rocks.
This is what blogging is for. People get it dead-on maybe once a month (or less). This one is killer.
Regards,
Kelly
God, Kelly, THANKS. Wow.
Telling me I’ve rendered you short is probably one of the best compliments!! LOL!
Just kidding. I love your long comments. (Because I think you write well too! And I mean that.)
Thank you.
Hi Steph
I recently started reading your blog, and I have to say, you are definitely not a wuss. A wuss often doesn’t even recognize his or her own fears, and runs before they have a chance to discover themselves. You seem to be facing your challenges head on.
I also had to smile when you listed all of my favourite writers as your favourites. I love going to readings, hearing the authors speak their own words. It inspires me beyond measure.
Hi Anna!
Have you been lurking?
I’m glad you commented, and thanks very much!
Oh man, I’ve always had so many fears and screwy things going on but I’m also very self-critical about stuff, so yeah, I know I have issues and saying them out loud helps me try to exorcise them. I might be facing my challenges head on, but it sure takes a lot of pep talk to get there! For the most part I am one very scared individual.
About author readings, YES. I miss going. I stopped because the person I went with stopped and I couldn’t drive myself. But now I can! Hurray! I have some funny little stories about the Richler/MacDonald reading in Toronto years ago. Richler was half-tossed on whiskey and I had no clue MacDonald was gay. I hadn’t yet read her book. When Richler signed our book, he said to my ex, “Kai? What the hell kind of name is THAT?” LOL!!! And when MacDonald read, I was so captivated by her, I had no clue she was reading a gay love scene. When I was in line with my friend waiting to get the book (Fall on your Knees) signed, MacDonald was up there with her partner, and I was all, “Wow, check out that girl she’s with, that must be her sister, they look so alike!” My friend turned to me and said, very loudly for the whole line to hear, “She’s gay, you idiot. That’s her partner!” At which point I was like, “She’s gay?? Really??” I had no clue. “Didn’t you hear her read that love scene in the alley?” asked my friend. I had, and for some reason, I hadn’t even clued in it was a girl on girl scene!! MacDonald inspired me greatly. She is very dynamic and alive and dramatic, unlike some authors who affect this serious arTEESTe tone.
There’s this VERY awesome writer’s festival I used to go to every year, run by Leon Rooke. It’s called the Eden Mills Writer’s Festival, you can probably google it. It’s all outside and is so awesome! You sit on a hill or by the water in this tiny hamlet near Guelph, and listen and chat and mill around with the authors. One year we were wandering and met Atwood in a shed surrounded by boxes of books she was signing. She is awesome and warm and funny. Ondaatje is not.
Steph
Go for it! (We’ll cheer you on!)
Little Timmy (with no arms and legs on account of he fell down the well) also approves !
He told me to tell you he’s entered the Special Olympics…the High Jump, Actually.
(Apparently, he hopes to beat his personal best of 3/8 inches).
I used to get headaches whenever I went into a bookstore. Then I started to almost get panic attacks. The only reason I chose English as my major was so that I would be better qualified to work at a bookstore (except then places like Chapters became popular and all the good bookstores started to die). Now I only go into bookstores when I have a specific book in mind, because random browsing just makes me want to cry over all the books I can’t afford to buy.
Does your friend still call you an idiot for not knowing someone’s sexual preference? Your friend sounds like an idiot.
Very cool that Thomas King remembered you. I like his stuff. Atwood once borrowed my copy of Cat’s Eye at one of her readings to read as she had forgotten hers….I was 14 or 15 at the time. It was a HUGE deal for me.
@ french panic: that is AWESOME about Atwood! Talk about a huge deal!! I think I’d still feel that way at 34! My sister always sees her at the Canadian Opera House in TO. I”m waiting for the day when she tells me she said hi to her!
It WAS cool about Thomas King. I almost fell over when he said, “Oh yeah, I remember you.” I’d only had my book signed by him the year before (Steph: Watch out for Coyote) but I’d told him I was doing a paper on Green Grass. I guess he remembered because of that: he was quite shocked anyone would do such a thing! All his books but one (the latest) are signed by him with interesting inscriptions, not just some illegible scribble (like Ondaatje). I love when an author interacts like a real person, a normal person, rather than one on a pedestal who deigns to sign your book.
I’m fairly certain I did a paper on Green Grass too. It was one of the novels for my Canadian Lit 1960- present or something like that. That’s very cool that King seems to enjoy sigining & meeting readers – but I also understand how it could be a complete chore (maybe that’s Ondaatje’s deal?). Like when actors have to do all of those horrible interviews when a movie comes out – being asked the same questions over and over and having to pretend like you’re having a good time….shudder. The publicity/marketing aspect of so many jobs seem quite dreadful. (Which is why I would much rather work in a bookstore than OWN a bookstore. Completely different monster.)
@french panic: I found working in a bookstore dead boring (but it was Chapters…). I worked in every department, from merch to receiving, cash to on the floor. You’re intelligent: I can’t imagine you being challenged enough! I have great ideas of a shop of my own, I just don’t believe I could ever realize them…