Holding On

27Aug08

source: lukechueh.com

First, I apologize for the infrequency of my posts lately. Lot on the go right now and my stress level is up to here. Which is very high. As if in defiance, Time seems to be up to the challenge of racing me this week. Bastard.

But I couldn’t resist at least starting the next set of questions Alex from Someday Syndrome asked his lab rats in their quest to discover and eliminate their obstacles to achieving their someday goals. If you have no clue what I’m talking about (I hardly do today, but that’s beside the point!), visit his site and his latest post, as well as my previous post, here.

On to question 1, then, and I warn you: It’s a bit incoherent, I think. I feel as though I’m struggling against the haze of a lot of drugs or something, although I haven’t put anything even remotely close to Tylenol in this body in over six years. Stress and lack of sleep can be quite amazing.

1. Have you ever held onto a course of action that you knew deep down was not only no longer profitable to you, but was actually hurting you in some way?

Sigh. This question comes at an interesting time. I’ve thought hard about it, trying to find examples from my past, but I think if I’m totally honest with myself, the present is probably the best example.

The answer is yes. I’ve held on to freelance editing when I no longer found it enjoyable and it was hurting us financially, and I mean big time. I did this once, and I’m doing it again now. The thing is, I still don’t know if deep down it’s actually the wrong thing to do. Maybe I’m just not doing it right, you see. (More on this below). And I can’t think of anything else to do besides editing. I never am sure of what I want, so in this case, it’s not a question of holding onto something that’s keeping me from my someday career.

Back when I first started freelancing full time, after a year or two major issues started cropping up. Although I was making good money per hour, the pay wasn’t enough and not nearly frequent enough. I grew unfocused, I struggle with the typical freelance issues of time management, interruptions, late pay, being without work, living on credit, feeling guilty for being home.

We started missing bills; we sold our first house, afraid to lose it, and moved into an apt. I said I would quit freelancing and take a full-time job because, above all else, I felt all of our financial troubles were my fault. I was not pulling my weight. Simply put, optimism didn’t live with me back then.

But I never quit the editing, even when I took on the full-time job at the library. I couldn’t. I wanted the extra money, sure, but I couldn’t ever say no to doing what I preferred. I hated the library. I was there for a year and a half before I quit and went back to full-time editing last November. I didn’t know what else I could do (Belleville is very small, too, with low-paying jobs), and I had had it with working in the public.

Staying at the library that long had nothing whatsoever to do with optimism. There was no way it would get better. In fact, when I think back, I’m just not an optimist. Whenever I stayed with something, it was mostly likely because I felt I had no choice, or, frankly, because of pride.

Editing again and faced with the same challenges as before and, worse, fewer clients because of the time at the library, I’ve only recently asked my husband and myself: Should I just quit? And then, But what do I want to do instead??

Nothing. I don’t want to do anything else. I can’t think of anything else. I’ve searched myself through and through. What do I love? What drives me? What are my passions? I don’t know! Everything! Books, books, and more books. Reading. Writing. Listening to my favourite kind of music, animals. It’s a hard thing to answer for someone who is passionate as a general rule and for someone who gave up her passions of theatre and singing and writing fiction and doesn’t even know if they’re passions anymore partly because there’s fear surrounding them, and who doesn’t really know who she is anymore or what she likes.

I want to work from home. I like editing. I’m good at it. I’m not sure if it’s IT, the way Writer Dad is sure writing is IT for him, but it’s the one thing I keep coming back to because it’s such a part of me. It could be IT, if I tweaked it…

Instead of quit altogether, then, I recently began to ask myself in blog posts: So what would I rather do, if I’m going to stick with editing? And the answer, as many of you already know, is fiction. Specifically fantasy fiction. Hence, the concept of EditQuest was born.

So I’m holding on, yes. I’m holding on this time because EditQuest excites me. I think that this, right now, is IT. I think I might be right that it’s not editing that’s wrong but what I’m editing. If I really love this, then it won’t be unprofitable, and it won’t hurt me, or us, right? I’ll be pursuing it with passion. I’ll be busy, I’ll be paid properly, I’ll be editing more efficiently, and I’m trying to do it all right this time, with a professional writer for my web copy and a stunning MwP theme. It will work!

But wait! Is that optimism I hear?

(Sorry. Questions 2 and 3 will have to come later. It’s taken me something like two or more hours to answer this, and I’ve got editing that demands my immediate attention!)

Filed under: self-improvement   |  10 Comments
Tags: editing, freelancing, optimism, passions, someday