When I was writing my other post earlier today, it took me about two hours. Emails are taking me inordinate amounts of time. I feel as though I’m pushing through veils of…something, just trying to see straight, think coherently. The longer that post took, the more stressed I grew, and yet I just wouldn’t leave it for another time. I had to post.
I am my own worst case scenario: I cause more stress to me than anything else, which sounds weird, but seems to ring true, seeing as I choose how to interpret things. It’s me with the problem of not being able to see things one at a time but rather all at once, allowing them to overwhelm me. It’s me who chooses to let these things wear me down.
So today, I feel burned out. As much as that makes me want to laugh because it sounds hyperbolic, I think it might be true: I have hit a small blip. I can’t continue. I was reading Ellen’s post yesterday about burnout, and the list she gave of indicators…well, I show every sign.
My instinct here is to make all kinds of mewlings: I’m just tired, I’m PMSing, I’ll be fine tomorrow.
But as I sat at the kitchen table staring at my editing and thinking of everything but; as I fiddled with the face on my cell and played with the sharpener, and got up and looked out the kitchen window three times, I said to myself, I am really stressed about a lot of things right now. Maybe I should write those things out, so I can see how stupid they are and stop worrying about them.
After two minutes of arguing with myself that I don’t have the time to do that and I shouldn’t focus on my stresses or pay attention to them, I finally thought, screw it. I’ll write the list to at least sort out my thoughts.
Here is what my list looked like.
I am stressed about:
- my editing deadline of next Thursday so I can send the book out Friday. I have to finish a 220-page book, and I’m on page 70. I have done a mere 7 hours of work in almost three days.
- my lack of enough work. Everyone talks about how much work they have and how stressed they are working so many hours. Not having enough work, and enough money, is just as stressful.
- my lack of time management skills. When I do have work, I don’t work efficiently and then panic to meet the deadline. Which I always do.
- my EditQuest site. I have to edit my web copy, finish my ebook, write a workbook, get a bank of posts for the blog, as well as a bank of guest posts, and figure out how to put all that shit together when I upload the theme. I wanted to do it sooner than later.
- an acquaintance’s husband’s wake this evening that I really really really don’t want to attend, esp. alone. I don’t want to go to the funeral, either. I never met him and I haven’t seen or talked to her for 6 months. Will she even notice if I don’t go? I feel guilty. It’s a really tragic, sad occasion. But she’ll have others… It’s just that the person who called and told us expects us (me, since C is away) to go and says he knows we’re good friends with her. We are? Can I not go? Can I not even call back and say I’m not going?
- Lucy, who needs my attention for various reasons. I feel guilty she’s not getting it and that I resent all of my responsibilities right now, especially to her.
- My house is dirty, and Colin is gone for the week to the States. To my regular chores are added lawn cutting and watering the garden and picking all the veggies, filling the bird feeders and all that other shit.
- our finances. We are living off rapidly dwindling credit because I’m hardly making any money.
- my diet. I have no appetite right now and when I do eat, I don’t want to prepare anything. I don’t feel like eating anything healthy, either.
- my lack of sleep. I NEVER sleep well or enough. And my increasing lack of interest in getting up in the morning.
- my computer, which is acting up on a daily basis. It quits on me, giving me that irritating “send/don’t send message to Microsoft” box. Some days it won’t even start. And we don’t have money for a new one, or maybe even a used one.
- going to the chiropractor. I had an assessment because I’m very uncomfortable, and I really need treatment. But it too costs much, partly covered or not.
- blogging. Keeping up my site and keeping up with others. Already I comment and forget to go back and follow responses. I never subscribe to comments because I’m afraid of all the updates. And I’ve already weeded my subscriptions to blogs.
- all the things going bad and being wasted in the garden and in our fridge. I hate wasted food. It actually really does stress me out.
- complaining about stress when I don’t have kids. You’d be surprised how many people tell me I don’t know stress.
Those are the immediate things on my mind. More and more keep springing to mind, too. And because there are so many, it’s hard for me, then, not to freak out when the dog suddenly barfs on the carpet in C’s office (as she did half an hour ago, twice) as opposed to anywhere else in a house of hardwood floors (that she’s barfing doesn’t concern me; it’s normal), or when I get an email that asks something from me, or when someone decides to just pop in, or when I can’t concentrate on my editing and I discover I’ve done none by 3:30pm, and when I go outside to let out Lucy and am attacked by mosquitoes. Mosquitoes really piss me off.
I feel like doing nothing. Nothing at all. In short, I feel done. My capabilities right now are minimal. I stare a lot.
So is this a good time to be selfish? To say, I’m so sorry but I can’t go to that wake tonight. I truly have nothing to give you. I’m sorry, I can’t help you right now, can you wait? I’m sorry, I can’t go out this week. I’m sorry, can I have more time for this edit? I’m sorry, but you won’t see the amazing, fantabulous EditQuest for a while yet. I’m sorry, I can’t comment on your blog right now and I can’t keep up. I’m sorry, God and the starving people in China, but half the fridge’s contents had to be thrown into the compost. I’m sorry for breaking your window: I didn’t mean to throw the computer that far…I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…
When the chiropractor asked me when I last took a vacation, I thought hard. “Never,” I said, finally. “I’ve never had a vacation.” He looked incredulous, as you might look too. But it’s true. When I was growing up, we went camping for three weeks every year. It was not a vacation. Ever. We never went anywhere else because we couldn’t afford it. Camping still isn’t a vacation, and in that light, our trips get shorter and shorter. Sure, I actually unplugged on our last trip, but it rained most of the time, there were thunderstorms and Lucy was frightened, we only got to hike once, and we spent far too much time listening to the kids on our site bickering and playing ring tones on their cell phones. I was stressed about lots of things while there, even though I had lovely moments too.
When I went to Malta to see my parents (I’ve been only once), I was there for three weeks. Looking back in my journal, it was such a miserable three weeks, although there were a few nice times, that the last entry ends with an unfinished sentence. God only knows what I was trying to say. I was sick most of the time there and my husband (my first) spent more time with my parents than I did. I was relieved to come home.
Colin and I have never been on a honeymoon. We’ve never left the country together. We’ve never left the province together, in fact. We’ve never had a weekend in a hotel, even. I’ve never gone on a trip with friends. I’ve just never been on vacation.
When taking a day or two off, or even a week, doesn’t seem like time enough — when taking time off for months doesn’t seem like enough — it’s TIME. I need a vacation.
The trouble is, it’s not going to happen.
Filed under: miscellaneous | 26 Comments
Tags: burnout, finances, selfish, stress, vacation
All I can say is I’m sorry.
Okay, that’s not true. That’s like when I say I’m not hungry and then eat all the fries.
But I am sorry, and it will get better, and at least you probably just smiled.
And if you can smile, you can laugh. If you can laugh, then you’ll feel a lot better.
So go ahead and put on “Something About Mary,” or maybe “South Park.”
Smile, laugh, and feel better.
Steph, honey I’ve been there and right now am hugging you. Look sweetie, you owe no one anything. Get rid of the crushing guilt of the things you are feeling “obligated” to do. Put off EditQuest, the world will still turn on it’s axis. Move the editing deadline, you would be surprised at how people really don’t need things when they say they need them. Forget the house, life happens and it won’t matter. Now, take some time for you. On that whole big list of false stress, what is really important? Seriously? Not what you think is important because you are a “good girl” who is always there for everyone and prides herself on being “perfect.” What one thing on the list is important and that you can actually change. I would say work. You can put aside everything else and edit. You will then get paid, and that takes care of two needs – less stress for you and money in the account. If you need to just disconnect for a 1/2 day or a whole day, do it. Take a walk, go to the park, sit outside, watch Oprah and eat bon-bons, whatever, just take a break and preferably a change of scenery. Vacation is not always about location but mindset. If you need support, holler, I will hear and come running. Hugs!
@WD: I DID laugh! Thank you. And we don’t subscribe to TV or have South Park DVDs, but we do have Family Guy…
@Karen: Thank you so much for your kind, warm words and voice of reason. It’s 6:44 pm and I feel ready to do what you suggested. I took a break and phoned my friend Renée, who always makes me laugh, and who totally made me feel okay about not going to this wake and funeral. In fact, such a weight was lifted, I already feel a bit less stressed. I feel a little more focused and ready to try earnestly to get some work done so I’m not in the same situation I was in earlier.
This sounds true: “Vacation is not always about location but mindset.”
Thank you!
Oh my goodness girl.
YES BE SELFISH RIGHT NOW. Here is a giant hug and permission to go take a nap. You are officially sick. Call in sick. If I were your boss I would send you home and tell you not to come back for two whole days and to do nothing.
You are dangerously close to the bad kind of burn out and good for you for seeing it.I will also read between the lines of your post from the other day and guess that you are depressed from feeling bad that you inadvertedly hurt some peoples feelings because you are the sweetest girl in the whole world and wouldn’t hurt a flea let alone a person. And you are kinda…actually brutally hard on yourself and are probably beating yourself up with a whip.
Do everything Queen Karen just said…she is absolutly right.
I am here to support you in whatever mode you want. Just shout…we can have a girl Skype chat if you want…or e-mail…or whatever you need.
Mental hugs on the way.
Eat ice cream and chocolate for dinner if you want!!!
@ Wendi: THANK YOU. Your concern and words are very sweet…and intuitive! I really do feel your warmth and care.
You’re not wrong on the feeling terrible part from another post, either, though I’m putting it behind me. I can’t control what others choose to think, but it does leave a bad taste in my mouth. It’s hard when things can’t go back to the way they were.
Thanks for the hugs and support. I don’t have Skype (can’t deal with more than my computer!!), but thank you for offering. Just reading your words here and on your own blog is very helpful. I really love this community!
PS. I had a PC peanut butter ice cream bar. It’s this tube of peanut butter encapsulated in chocolate ice cream which in turn is covered in a milk chocolate and nut coating. How’s that for indulging!!
Steph — boy am I there with you. I’m in the midst of some blechy stuff, and the stress is high. I don’t have much energy for blogging, and almost none for blog love (I’m sorry I haven’t been by!).
Just take it one day at a time. I’m thinking of you.
@ Beth: It’s okay, I totally understand. And your stress is way higher than mine! I’m thinking of you, too.
You know, I got on here to sympathize about how much burnout sucks, but now I just really want a peanut butter ice cream bar.
Hang in there and be selfish. We all need “me time.”
Don’t try to suppress your feelings, feel them, act them out, best with lot of crying, shouting, stomping.
Throw a tantrum just for yourself (you don’t wanna have someone watch). Take care not to hurt you or break stuff, but it really feels good to throw yourself to the floor, hit the carpet with your fists, let your inner child express your feelings!
Play grumpy little kid until you laugh about yourself.
Long term, do some exercise in the morning. Running might be good since it is easy and cheap, but anything will do. Just move your body to get the juices flowing.
And something to read about being happi:
http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/2008/08/25/the-psychology-of-happiness-13-steps-to-a-better-life/
Steph – big hugs! I’ve been there many times – When I feel like that, I have myself a good cry (either by getting worked up about my situation or putting on a movie like The Joy Luck Club) then I decide one thing that I can do *right now* that’s a quick victory.
With that under my belt I start cutting.
And I start saying “I choose to” instead of “I have to” when I make choices instead of following through on obligations I realize that everything I do is a choice rather than something imposed on me from the outside.
So, what are you choosing?
Good luck (and yes, do everything Karen suggested!)
Cheers,
Alex
Forget Lucy: The UNIVERSE is puking on your floor right now!
Oh, Steph, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this right now. Like everyone else wrote, we’ve all been there (misery loves company?).
To answer your question: YES. It is not only OK to be selfish, it is required. Listen to Karen (and everyone!) and re-prioritize that list of yours. Put aside the house, lawn, garden, thoughts of money, and blogging. Yes, even EditQuest. Leave that for a time when you feel great — because you never want to equate that with feeling lousy.
Take baby steps with the editing job. And then take a nice, long walk with Lucy. If she’s anything like Riley, she’ll make you feel better with a simple glance
I know it sounds cliche, but start talking to yourself and list (out loud) the many things you are thankful for. You’ll see how quickly that list overshadows this one.
Sending good thoughts your way -
@ Shawn: HAHAHA! I wish I could hand one to you. They’re deliciously rich.
@ Sam: Whoa. It’s been forever since I had a good ol’ fashioned tantrum! I think my dog would freak out! The thing is, I don’t usually hold anything in. I’m one of those “explode and then it’s over” people. I don’t usually dwell on issues, but I do get easily overwhelmed.
I think your exercise advice is wise. I used to do yoga. A run also sounds good. Now if only I could get out of bed and get motivated to do that. I was better at exercising in the evening. But you’ve given me something to think about. Maybe the dog can get her walk first thing, instead of in the afternoon. Thanks also for that link!
@ Alex: good cry, yes. I’ve had those, but for some reason, yesterday, when Lucy barfed and it was the last straw and a sob escaped, I shut myself up and ordered myself to pull me together. I don’t know why. No one was around and I could easily have cried. I might have thought I just didn’t have the time right now to lose it. And wow. That’s BAD.
I like the choosing bit. That does feel more like you’re taking ownership of what you’re doing, rather than someone else telling you you have to do it. Hmmm. I’m going to try that. I’m choosing to work. That’s the one thing I pick right now.
@ Rebecca: You made me laugh out loud! Thanks.
And thank you for your kind thoughts and your advice on listing the things I’m grateful for. I was just doing that this morning. It made me smile.
Thank you so much, everyone. Your support, though I feel guilty always needing it, is so appreciated! It really makes a difference. I hope I’m able to give back just as much.
Steph,
Everything doesn’t have to suck. I does sound like you are making yourself miserable. Don’t beat yourself up anymore. You will find one day leads into the next like it is now and you feel as if you can’t stop it. But you can.
When I started writing fiction my mind would fly off in all directions. And alhough it may sound strange I kept repeating to myself focus, focus, focus…and suddenly I had this visualization of Luke Skywalker trying to get that final shot into the Death Star and he puts his head gear away and finally gets it in…So in this way I kept bringing myself back, bringing myself back, or else my mind would fly away. Fiction taught me focusing intently on the present because the story required everything I had to bring to it.
I understand the money worries, and all the others, too, but the money worries are under my control. If need be I can get a part time job doing something to make more money. Last year I worked in a greenhouse (it kinda sucked but it was kinda fun) anyway I am going to read your story now.
I do hope things get better for you. It makes me sad you’re suffering so much.
Ellen
Holy moly, I can’t leave you alone that long ever again!!
Steph, when I get stressed out and feel burn-out coming fast, I think of the things I love most and figure out how to do the easy ones. The answer doesn’t have to be a vacation, although why the hell don’t you take one? Sometimes I get refreshed by going to the mountains (one hour drive). I don’t even have to get out of the car. Other times its a good run or playing basketball. Sometimes it is just having some cold beers with a buddy at the pub. Sometimes its taking a half hour to read a shitload of blogs for entertainment purposes.
So, really, this is all about me. I need you to get refreshed and keep writing what that wonderful wacky mind of yours is thinking. I find you very entertaining and need you to stay out of the funk. Cuz its all about me. Even if I tell you its all about you.
PS – don’t go to the funeral if you don’t want to go.
Ellen: Thank you for your words of encouragement. It makes me sad to make you sad. But you also did make me laugh, with that Luke Skywalker scene, using the force.
Huh. My friend tells me this all the time. May the force be with you, she says. There is no try, only do. You can do it, Steph! And it usually works, because it makes me laugh. That’s a good way to start.
@ Bretthead: DUDE! Where the hell have you been? You see? This is what happens. I thought you’d finally found me boring because I wasn’t writing fun posts anymore that said balls and contained foul language.
I guess I’ve been really wrapped up in this freelancing thing. No balls there. But lots of foul language. I leave that for Naomi or my other friends get offended. Only Colin hears me talk dirty like that now, though I’ve been known to let slip. Stay tuned.
I didn’t go to the funeral, which was this morning. Or the wake. I didn’t see the point of going if I had nothing to offer in sincerity. Paying lip service is worse than not going. But I’ll tell you, deciding not to go was making me feel so guilty – until my friend called and made me feel better and then a huge weight was lifted. It was like she was giving me permission not to go. It’s all I needed. So again, WHERE WERE YOU??
I’m glad you need my wacky self. When I’m less busy and preoccupied, it will be all about you again, I swear. And for old times’ sake: balls.
Steph,
Late though I am, I came here first before anywhere else. You need to look after YOU first. So don’t worry about reading other blogs or commenting or whatever. I’m sure I had about a million things in my RSS when I got home today, I picked about 5 (and two are yours), and then marked the rest as “read”.
If it is important, it will come back to you.
Hang in there. I’m going to go and properly respond to the email you wrote to me the other day, as it was very nice and I think I need to do the same in kind for you.
It will get better – it will get *much* better.
-Brett
Hey I sometimes feel that way, too. We’re thrilled when you post but if you need to take a breather, just do so
*hugs*
Good for you for ridding yourself of the guilt; even if it took some help from your friend.
I will always read you Steph. Even when you don’t cater to my 12 year old sense of humor. Although if you do talk dirty more often…. No, no, no, that’s not right. Heh heh.
Like you, I have had shit happenin’. But I always bounce back. Don’t ever succomb to that overwhelming feeling you seem to have now. You can bounce back and be talking about balls and f-bombs before you know it…
Wow. What a great post. I can relate on so many levels. I love how you bare your soul in your writing. Such honesty is not common in the blogosphere.
To answer your question, yes it’s definitely OK for you to be selfish. I believe that a little selfishness is not just OK, but necessary for survival. Think of it this way. Nobody can be counted on to look after your self interest except you, because everybody else is busy looking after their own self interest. An excellent book on this topic is “Looking Out for #1″, but I think it might be out of print. The library might have it.
Sometimes all you really need to do is let it all out, like you did, because carrying all that stuff around is heavy on the heart, mind and spirit. It makes me tired just imagining it!
Just being who you are, where you are, isn’t selfish — it’s self-preserving.
When I’m feeling as you described, which my husband calls my “I HATE everything” phases, besides unplugging and sitting somewhere quiet, I also run through how I’m lucky — the “Not Me” list — which goes something like this:
I’m not losing my home to foreclosure, nor does it leak when it rains (not anymore, winks : )
I don’t have to give up my pets
I’m not waiting for an organ transplant on the edge of death
I didn’t just find out my child has incurable cancer
I didn’t just find out *I* have cancer
I’m not stuck in a hospital bed, sick and wishing I could be home and outside
I’m not at the morgue identifying a family member
I wasn’t just in a car accident where I’m now a paraplegic in a wheelchair pissed at God and the world (which I would be, I know it)
I don’t have to spend my day, every day, walking six hours round trip for water
I don’t have a brain injury
I’m not sitting in my house with a deranged person having just broken in, killed the dogs and about to kill me after he …
And the list goes on and on until I feel better. My husband thinks it’s comically morbid, but once you vent about what’s bothering you, and then compare it to much worse case scenarios, it does make one feel better.
There are always people out there so much worse off than us on any given day. Remembering that can help add perspective. But the best thing to do is as you did, which is to feel it. Allow it.
And hugs don’t hurt. {{{{{{{{ Steph }}}}}}}}
Em
I feel your pain. I’ve been there too many times. Hang in there.
@ Brett: Thank you. For everything – and for subscribing to me.
@ Cirellio: I’m glad to see you here. Thanks for the hugs!!
@ Bretthead: All the other stuff you said was really great, honestly, but you saying you’ll always read me made me feel the best. I’m holding you to it, even though I won’t be posting any raunchy convos like you do.
Well, actually, one never knows…
@ Eric: Thanks for the book recommendation, and for letting me feel it’s okay to look after me every now and then. Thank you also, for your such kind words at the beginning of your comment. I was touched that you began with a compliment! Honestly, I don’t know how else to write. I’m a bit naked that way.
@ Em: WOW. And you’re not the first person to tell me, as my husband just did, to remind myself of positive things, the things I’m grateful for. There is indeed a very long list. Thanks for sharing yours, as morbid as it was (deranged person breaking in the house and killing the dogs??)!
@ Amy: I hope that when you’re there again, I will be there to comfort you, too. Thanks.
This is a really authentic post, and I admire that. I admire that you are sharing your troubles & your burdens.
No one can do everything. I agree with the other commenters who said that sometimes you *have* to be selfish for your own sanity. It’s nothing to feel guilty about at all.
@ Dube: Thank you. Not feeling guilty is hard, but I agree with you, because I’m no good to anyone anyway if I haven’t anything to give.
Recovering Catholic here….I get the guilt thing! Throw it like a hot potato!
Jst – I hear ya. Recovering myself. It’s hard, though! I find the whole thing so puzzling.