Holding On, Continued
Some of you have already seen my posts (Voluntary Lab Rat and Holding On) answering Alex Fayle’s questions with the objective of finding and conquering the obstacles to achieving my goals on my someday list. When I first read of Alex’s project, I thought it was so cool I wanted to be part of it, even unofficially. So I started copying the questions he gave his subjects and answering them myself.
You should also check out Alex’s amazing site. You’ll find the original “lab rats’” answers to the following questions here.
These are my answers to the two questions that continue the post Holding On.
2. Have you ever given up on something that seemed to be heading towards failure when in reality it was moving along fine?
I had a huge answer to this question when I suddenly realized I was lying. I was saying that I am quite quick to get out of bad situations, usually the first of unhappy coworkers to leave when I became disenchanted, for example. That is true. I have a very low tolerance for unhappiness and discomfort. At the same time, I’d hesitate to say I give up too soon.
What wasn’t true is that I have never left something I thought was failure when in reality it was going just fine. At first I couldn’t comprehend how I could perceive something as failing and yet see it was going fine at the same time. In retrospect, though, I can think of several things.
All my life, from a very young age, I was desperately passionate about singing, theatre, and writing. I participated in all three to the fullest of my abilities, as much as I could squeeze in. I was in every play, in and out of school. I sang everywhere, at home, with friends, in school, in concerts, even with the Hamilton Philharmonic Orchestra. I wrote stories galore, as well as other things. And I was very good at all three of those things.
But somewhere along the way, when I was about 26 or so, I lost my confidence. It’s not as though those passions suddenly died. Something else happened. Whether or not I suddenly felt I wasn’t good at these things anymore, I’m not sure. But now I can’t even entertain the notion of doing them without shrinking with fear and insecurity. (Don’t say anything, Alex!!)
I stopped singing, I stopped acting, and I stopped writing fiction. I haven’t stepped in a theatre in years, when they used to be my second home. I haven’t opened my mouth even in the shower since about 1998. I haven’t written a story in ten years. (I did write the Lusty Weevil Pub story, but that was just a meme.)
So yes, when all was well, when I was not, according to others and maybe even myself, failing at all, I quit. I don’t remember if I just thought that these three things were just an interest, not likely to take me anywhere. I honestly don’t know what happened.
The thing is, my soul still rapturously aches when I hear great choral music; it soars when I hear Judy Garland or Eydie Gorme belt out a tune. My soul still sings.
I still love writing and wish with all my heart I could just step out of my own way and write again. (That’s actually how this blog began.) And I still remember the magic of being on and behind stage.
I’m thinking hard about how this question might relate to my someday list. What is it you’re getting at here, Alex? What do you want me to realize, exactly?
With your current pursuit, do you know where the cut-and-run limit is?
Yes. EditQuest is my second run at freelance editing. My dream is for it to be successful, of course, for me to be helping hundreds of authors get published, accomplish their big someday goal. And I’m trying to do it all right this time. There won’t be any excuses, like I should have got a proper site or professional copy or researched a little more. So if for some reason it just doesn’t work and I have done my best in trying to make it work; if we find that it’s just not paying the bills and it’s hurting us financially for me to continue, I will not persist. I’ll likely decide, then, that editing, or freelancing, is just not for me. I don’t hold that editing is the only thing I’m meant to do (although right now I have no idea what else there might be!)
Filed under: self-improvement | 11 Comments
Tags: failing, freelancing, goals, quitting, someday list
That often we let fear and insecurity stop us from really doing what we love. Or that what we *think* we want doesn’t interest us at all, really. The trick is to figure out the difference – did you run away from acting/singing/writing? Or did you stop because they really aren’t a part of who you are?
For me, the way of figuring it out is picturing myself doing it and thinking “sigh, if only” or “m’eh.”
Good luck! And wow, you’re really doing so deep introspection here, Steph!
Thanks, Alex!
You know, sometimes I feel wistful about my past. I was just more outgoing and active and confident. I don’t know if I get wistful about singing and theatre and writing because I’m in love with the memories of how I used to be or if I really do wish I was doing them again and am only stopped by insecurity and fear.
All three were such a deeply entrenched part of me that I balked when you said maybe they aren’t really a part of who you are.
And yet I’ve not pursued them wholeheartedly. So thinking hard, well, writing I can say, yes, definitely, that’s a sigh. If I could write for a living, I think I’d be very happy. I think I’m slowly getting over my fear of failing at it.
Part of me feels my singing and theatre days are over, though there is still regret there. They’re not mehs, but I think I might be happy, if I could let go of lamenting the death of old me, just enjoying the music and catching a few plays every now and then.
I’ll put it this way: writing fiction is on my someday list. The other two, however, are not. I sort of feel about them the way I do about cigarettes. After quitting 8 years ago or so, I can’t even imagine picking one up and lighting it again. It’s too…strange.
Wow, just going through this thought pattern kind of sorted things out! Thanks!
Steph, you don’t have to turn every passion into a professional pursuit. Take the pressure off to be “perfect.” Sing, act and tell stories just because you love it. Sometimes we allow the “have-to’s” to stand in the way like a gigantic brick wall that will not move. Don’t allow the have-to’s to prevent you from enjoying your life. By the way, you are writing and you are gaining a fan base. You may be a rocking editor but you my dear are also one gifted storyteller. The meme was not “just a meme” it was a story. A story read and enjoyed by many. Perhaps blogging comes easy because you have allowed yourself to do it just for fun?
@ Karen: You, my friend, are a wizard extraordaire! Thank you for your insight and wisdom. Believe it or not, your statement of not having to turn all my passions into professional pursuits was a revelation. There’s been so much focus on finding what you truly love, on following your passion and acting on it, on not wasting talent and skill, on sharing everything you have, that I have indeed felt guilty. In retrospect I may have dropped those passions because I couldn’t do all of them. Being passionate all the time is extremely emotionally draining. I don’t force being passionate, of course, but I do remember pouring everything of me into singing, theatre, and writing. All three were quite stressful in different ways.
I think you’re right about blogging, too. At one point it was quite stressful but once I just let myself write, once I thought of it as something I just do because I feel like it and stopped worrying about readers and what I was writing and so on, it got a lot easier. And I really do enjoy it!
Unfortunately, I realize a lot of it is selfish, all about me. I am not offering anyone any wisdom, the way you and Wendi and Alex and Brett and so many others do. Unless I’m imparting it somehow through my journey to self-improve!
Yay Karen! Yes! Following dreams isn’t just professionally. It’s in every part of your life.
Take James for example in this week’s Someday Interview – his someday is playing the guitar – not a profession – a love, a passion but not a profession.
And Steph you have lots to show people by your blogging – people can go through the journey with you and look at their own lives at they do.
You’re very brave for being so open about everything and that openness will draw people to you.
I know…doesn’t Karen always have it bang on? And Alex, you said it in a way that seems right to me: yes, following dreams is in every part of life. James is a good example.
You know, with blogging I’m coming to realize that there are so many people out there with such good things to say. I’m not the only one being open. All of you are, too. Before I started here, I came out of a job that made me really disenchanted with human beings, as snobby as that sounds. But now, overwhelmed by how many out there have such valuable and beautiful and inspiring things to say, I feel a deep sense of community and a closeness with all you here.
“Unfortunately, I realize a lot of it is selfish, all about me.”
Sharing your reveleations, thoughts and ideas, even if they’re all about you isn’t selfish, to me. It’s most likely others are going through something similar and could be helped and inspired by what you say.
Nice change to your blog!
T: Where HAVE you been?? And I could shoot those lovely words right back at you, only with different meaning – that is to say, go and write a post now on your own site, so that you too can share and help others! You haven’t written in forever.
But you’re right, and I even said that others could go through this with me, because so many can relate. I guess it’s just that so many others just write articles on how to deal with stuff, whereas I always have to relate everything to me. On the other hand, I suppose that’s pretty much what being human is all about. I like to tell people I understand, that I relate, and when I post I do that by exposing myself, by revealing I go through stuff just like everyone else (though I’m not thinking that, I admit), and when I comment, I do that by giving an experience I had or am having. I guess we all do that, really. Some people just know how to keep the “I” out of it.
Did any of that make sense? Oh, I’m procrastinating. I really have to go work on those notes from hell.
Totally made sense. And guess why I came to your site just now? I’m having a terrible run-down day at work and needed some words of encouragement. And hey, those don’t need to be, “hang in there, or keep smiling, or tips on how to be creative, or tips on keeping happy, or tips on slowing down. ” What I need to hear is that like-minded people are struggling too, but are doing something about it, trying to find their way and trying to learn more about themselves. I want to know that I’m not doing this alone. (and now I’m being interrupted by the phone a million times, so I have to go, and I can’t even remember what I’ve just said)
p.s. my blog is on hold. We still don’t have internet at home. Sigh.
T: haven’t you been around me long enough to know you’re not alone? haven’t we had enough discussions? Do I have to come over there and get all in your face with my problems to remind you you’re not alone? Because I can, you know. I will. You are the one who helps me get through many of them…