Unfortunately, this isn’t about something as fun as Santa Claus, though I actually wish it was. The last couple of days have been full of funny posts by other people that have really made me laugh and say humorous things myself, and I’ve seriously wanted to dump this depressing take on things I’ve had here lately.
I’m not in the mood to tackle my demons. But this is probably exactly why I still have them (after all, who’s ever really in the mood?), and if I ask myself if I’m just doing things that make me happy now or if I’m doing things that will change me for the better and make me happy for always…well, I have to meet the shit I’ve realized head on. I can’t run.
The list below is the follow-up to my post called Letting Go. It’s a list I’ve been afraid to make because once it’s on paper, or online, then, yeah, I really have to deal with it. I can’t push those items away as easily as I can when I’m on the brink of thinking them.
I’ve also been afraid to make this list because of what it may bring out. I’m afraid that I’ll have to confront things I thought I was already over. I’m used to honesty, but I’m afraid this list will force me to be more honest than even I’m comfortable with. And I’m afraid of what my husband will think when he sees this list of things I have to let go of, since he will see it (he’s faithfully subscribed!). I’d share it with him anyway — I think — and I’m sure he already knows most of the stuff, even things I’ll forget to mention. He’s quite observant, of course. It’s not out of embarrassment that I feel this reluctance to share, but out of fear that once I reveal it all, he’ll also hold me to it. And maybe some of the things will make him uncomfortable or will be hurtful.
But here’s the thing. I have to put aside that fear because freedom is the most important thing to me, and it’s what’s going to make me a far more pleasant person to be around. I really, really value freedom. Financial freedom, freedom to do what I want, when I want. Any kind of freedom. But mostly freedom to be happy and to function the way I was created to function.
Happiness may well be a choice, but it’s damn hard to make that choice if you’re holding on to things that make you miserable or keep you from growing. It’s hard to realize your dreams when you don’t have room for them. And how someone else may react to my list is their choice, which I can’t control.
What I’m hoping is to let go of the stuff I hold on to now, and that I learn how to easily let go of upcoming issues. I am hoping that I will be able to adopt a way of dealing with things that helps me maintain a state of freedom. I’m hoping that by freeing me I also free others I was holding to me. And I’m hoping that I become a more confident person in the process. That I don’t need to hold onto anything unless it serves me well.
This post will just be my list. I know already what these things do to me, to anyone. So do you. I know they’re not good, I know they’re perpetuated, I know that by fearing I stunt my growth and actually cause the things I fear to happen, and so on. I want only to identify the things I so protectively harbour, to call them out, so that I can acknowledge them and then get over each one by one.
After this, I’ll post about what I and those who also made their own list can do to let go. If you are making your own list, be even more thorough and detailed than I have been here. (This is already a very long post!)
My heart’s actually pounding, as though I’m on the edge of something scary and thrilling at the same time.
What I Am Holding On To
- I thought I was over this and that I had forgiven my father for the way I was raised, but I might be wrong. Although I love him and I don’t consciously feel any animosity, sometimes I say things that betray me. And there is still a barrier between us that I simply cannot seem to break down. I like to keep my distance; I just get far too uncomfortable otherwise. And I mean emotional distance: my parents live in Malta. My dad was really, really strict, and I suffered a great deal emotionally while growing up, as dramatic as that sounds. Although he wanted only what was best for me, and he never physically abused me or anything like that, and although he was mostly supportive of my endeavours and quite proud of me, he was very afraid and assuming that I’d be badly influenced by others and that I’d make many mistakes. He was a control freak. He made my decisions. He embarrassed me horribly. And he ruled his life with fear and guilt.
- Fear. I fear way too many things. I fear failure. I fear success. I fear not being accepted by others. I fear losing our house because of our financial situation, and not having enough money to continue being as blessed as we are. I fear driving on the highway. I fear death. I fear grief. I fear that clients won’t want to pay for me or that they think my services are not essential. I fear I am in the wrong career. I fear never knowing what I truly want. I fear that other people talk badly about me. I fear my husband resents my issues and that they make me less attractive to him. I fear that he thinks I don’t work as much and as focused as I should, that he feels it’s my fault we’re in financial distress, that he thinks I do nothing all day but blog and email and surf the Net (many times he’d be right). (I have to add here that while I fear these things about my hubby, he has never voiced them. I imagine them. He says I am putting thoughts and words into his head that he’s not thinking and that I am being unfair. I believe he is telling the truth, but at the same time, I don’t, because I feel guilty. Which leads me to the next item.)
- Guilt. I hold on to a lot of guilt. You’ve seen it here, and my sister has pointed it out numerous times. If fear was my dad’s thing, guilt was my mother’s. I feel guilty for being selfish, for not working efficiently, for not paying as much attention to my dog/husband/friends/family etc. as I should. I feel guilty for blogging more often than I talk to my other friends. I feel guilty for not going to church. For not doing things that will improve me because I think they’re too hard. I feel guilty for not providing quality meals, and in fact for resenting all my responsibilities because I’m so inefficiently time managing. If I managed my time wisely, I wouldn’t mind cleaning and cooking and doing other stuff I have to do. I feel guilty about wanting to charge as much as I should for EditQuest. I feel guilty when I don’t visit certain blogs or when I don’t subscribe to them or when I unsubscribe from them.
- My need to control everything. I had a boss who kept telling me to stop trying to control the uncontrollable because he saw I was always frustrated. He was right, and I hear the wisdom in it, but I hate hearing it! I’m a control freak. I like things done my way. I often think my way makes so much sense I get frustrated that others refuse to do it that way. I get very frustrated when I can’t control something. I have dreams of being all-powerful, unlimited. Call me Anakin Skywalker.
- My first marriage. I totally thought I was over this. But lately my first husband has been popping into my dreams. What is my subconscious trying to tell me? Why do he and Colin exchange places sometimes in my dreams? (This distresses me.) Why do I keep him on facebook and why do I check out his page and even his girlfriend’s page (hey, she added me!)? Why am I jealous of her? Why do I feel a pang of some unidentified emotion that I know for sure is no longer love, yet there is something there nevertheless? What is it? Regret? Abandonment (he left after three years)? Indignation that he is happy now and he wasn’t happy enough with me? When he finally told me years after he left why he did, I thought I’d exorcised the whole issue. It was really all I wanted to know, and the answer satisfied me. But part of me still resents that he left C and I with a great deal of money to pay off, not to mention it was I who had to pay for the divorce. He stripped me of many things I valued (aside from himself), and took advantage of my not caring at the time. And I’m sure, I think, that my jealousy and my pang of unidentified emotion is partly that he found fulfillment with someone other than me and partly that some deep bit of me remembers good times. Memory and betrayal. I am so far removed from that time, nine or so years ago, that I remember things matter of factly and without emotion. But subconsciously, there must still be some emotion there.
- My ex-best friend, G. I dream about him, too. And every time, I wake up with such a deep sadness I carry around with me all day. He and I were closer than any other friend I’ve ever had, for years. We were inseparable. I was in love with him, too, and he with me, but neither of us knew this until after I was married the first time and it came out in a phone conversation. Still, we were different enough that I know we could never have got married. I used to think I’d say yes if he’d ever asked me, but at the same time, I would have been far too afraid. We loved each other like brother and sister I want to say, but it seems insufficient a comparison. After a long time of not seeing him, we both moved on but kept in touch. A few years ago he very formally cut off our relationship, saying the past was the past and it was over and I should get over it. It was so cold an email I didn’t recognize him, and it came after two years of suddenly not answering my emails or phone calls. But it was also copied to his girlfriend at the time, now his wife. I miss him. We were only friends, never once did anything happen between us, and yet, I would have done anything for him. I don’t accept or believe that once you get married you have to dump your friends of the past, even if they’re the opposite sex.
- Regret. Oh, I wish I could say I don’t regret a thing; it would be so mature of me! But it’s not true. I regret how I’ve treated people in my selfishness, how I’ve so easily let people go when I’m tired of a situation and need a drastic change. I regret letting some friends go and not keeping in touch. I regret things I’ve said to people I can no longer apologize to. I hold on to not forgiving myself for things.
- Low self-esteem. I’ve held onto this one forever. I’m not good enough, in a very small nutshell. I’d elaborate but if you read this blog on a regular basis and have for a while, you already know what I’m talking about. Not good enough as a person, for my husband, for my clients. And I don’t look good enough. I can’t handle problems well. I don’t believe I can change (I know, then what’s the point of this? Well, doing it in public is kind of forcing me to try!)
- Negativity and cynicism. Based on past experience, why should anything be easy or different this time?
There may actually be more, but I think this is a pretty good start. The things I’ve listed above are really major for me. They represent huge change.
Again, the purpose of this list was not to trash myself. I have lots of good things I like about me, too. I’d simply like to add to them.
Filed under: self-improvement | 25 Comments
Tags: ex-husband, holding on, husband, letting go, low self-esteem, marriage, regret
Steph,
One of the most real things I’ve read on the internet. Bravo.
Steph,
You’re not alone – believe me, I could make a similar list. So I know exactly where you are. Hang in there…
-Brett
Thanks, guys.
I’m always surprised when people say I write such “real” things. They’re normal things! I’ve read real stuff by lots of people, I think, but the idea seems to be that there’s a lot of “fake” out there. Strange to me. It’s a personal blog, this – how could I be otherwise?
Brett: Afterward I actually thought of a ton more. It’s incredible how much baggage I come with!!
I’m all right. I feel okay about all this. It’s the truth, after all. I know it. The hard part isn’t facing it so much as actually banishing it! At this point, I have no clue what will work. I have to want to let go, which I think I do, for the most part. But then I have to let go without regret, and I have to figure out why, too, I don’t want to let go of things that might be holding me back. And why do I think the way I do, why do I have such fear and guilt and low self-esteem?
At the same time, is WHY important? Can I just say, here is the issue, now fix it?
Steph,
I’m not sure you’ve got that much more baggage than anyone else our age. I mean, we’ve all had our share.
The one very hardest thing I have ever faced in my life was best dealt with by telling others. In fact, it is a key part of my book, and once that’s finished and in print, I think that will be my ultimate release from that. I believe that’s why I feel so strongly about completing and publishing the story.
Sharing feelings with others seems a better way to let go of things than trying to work them out alone – so I think you’re going about it the right way.
I agree with Brett on this one, Steph. It may seem like a lot of baggage because you’re actually thinking about all the stuff you’re holding on to. Most of us just don’t usually think about it all that much. It’s just there in the background.
I’d wager that as you discover more things that you’re holding on to, many of those things will resolve themselves simply because you’ve realized them and given them a way out.
@Brett: I wholeheartedly agree! I get so frustrated when I can’t share with others, when some show no interest, or when I can’t communicate what I need to say properly. It means so much to me to be understood.
Thanks for sticking with me, for knowing what I’m saying even when I don’t get it out right…for being my Sam.
@ Shawn: that’s a totally cool thought, and I wonder if it’s true – about releasing some of the things simply because I’ve realized them, acknowledged them, and given them a way out. Beautifully said, by the way!
I’m going to suggest something that will seem crazy but try it. Print out a copy of this, say what ever seems like a prayer of letting go or meditation of letting go over all of it, visualize yourselve being unlocked and unchained from it as of right now and then set the paper on fire and watch as the smike rises up to the sky and fades away. Say out loud, as the smoke fades, so does my attatchement to these issues forever. THen wipe your hands of it and walk away. Be powerful in your intent.
Ypu are a brave woman. Braver then you give yourself credit for. I have faith in you.
Wendi: you sound like you’ve done this yourself before! I actually like the idea of printing it and burning it. I remember tossing love letters from an ex-boyfriend into our woodstove when I was a teen. I think it actually helped. I’m one to feel major relief when I actually throw something out or give it away. I’m thinking your method would help too.
Thanks for suggesting it, and for believing in me! (Somebody’s got to!)
Steph
We all have our baggage and ghosts. Except that few of us are brave enough to be so open and admit them to the world, like you’ve just done.
Theoretically, we all know what we “should” let go. And that we “should” move on. But in reality, it’s a lot harder to do.
Broken marriages, death in the family, etc. Those can take years to fully resolve. And through no fault of our own. It just takes time.
Don’t worry. You’ll get there. You have your whole life to pick up bits of wisdom and figure out how to deal with Life. (And when you do, let me know, okay? )
I’m still trying to figure out things myself.
Steph – your list is so beautiful. I don’t think it’s possible to speak and write so from your heart and with so much awareness and NOT have all kinds of magical shifts happen inside all by themselves
Here’s something that helps me, and my coaching clients, too: Instead of trying to “let go” – or even thinking about letting go – I do the opposite. I take everything on my list “with me” into my next step into whatever and wherever I’m going – more success, more love, more happiness, just feeling good more of the time…
Then, instead of “resisting” the idea of “letting go,” I feel fuller and bit more supported by all these memories and thoughts and feelings. Less of a struggle, less grief – I feel more accepting of myself.
Look forward to more of your posts.
This is no doubt brave work to go deep to find the root of your fears, guilt, regrets, whatever it is you need to let go of. A road not many travel. I’ve been on this road myself, it’s a tough one, but definitely freeing. Looks like you have great support here, which is very helpful when traveling a road like this. For me, sometimes the awareness is bliss and sometimes it’s painful. Sometimes the awareness is all I need. That’s probably what makes the heart race with excitement and nerves – not knowing which it will be!
Steph,
No worries – just call me Sam.
And I think Wendi’s idea is a great one, I’ve come across it before as well (probably at her blog, but I can’t remember). It seems a powerful symbol.
Steph,
Been there, done it, own the t-shirt, should write the book. Spent long long time in therapy after being married for a very short time to a man who tried to kill me. Learned a great deal about the baggage I was carrying around. ( Boy was it heavy) And I hope I don’t sound like I am baggage free now. This is what I mean when I say it is an on going process of staying in tune with yourself. You can dump it all, burn it up, feel as free as a butterfly, (like loosing 50 pounds) but if you go back to living a life unaware it can build back up. I suspect…maybe…this might be why you can say…”I thought I dealt with this but maybe not” You probably did. You walked away from those feelings once, you can choose to walk away from them again. You do have a choice. You are not your feelings.
Steph,
I admire you for being so open – I think that takes a lot of courage!
Regarding fear: oh yes, I know these fears, too. I fear not to be good enough to write in English, not to write good enough to call myself a writer. I have been afraid of turning on the washing machine because I feared to do something wrong so the machine might go out of order. We have fears that may appear silly to others but are heavy for us; we have fears that are heavy to us and others. But the point is: do we overcome our fears, with our heart beating and with sweaty hands? I think that doing all the things you do, Steph, you are a courageous person.
@ Friar: Thanks for your encouragement! And that’s the idea: when I find out, you will, too. So long as you keep reading.
I expect we’ll be figuring things out for all of our lives, really.
@ Rori Ray: Welcome! Thanks for commenting and for offering such a different spin on things. I think I might be able to apply your idea to some of the things, the memories of my ex and ex-friend, for example. I have learned a great deal from both experiences. I guess what I really want to do is let go of the regret or negative feelings associated with anything. I really do want to dump certain things, though I see what you mean about learning to accept yourself …
@ Stacey: Welcome to you as well! I find it funny that one of my longest posts, which I thought would be a turn-off for many, attracted new people. I’m glad you’re here and that you commented. I especially love what you said here: “Sometimes the awareness is all I need.” It sounds like what someone else (Shawn?) said earlier: that sometimes just acknowledging some things and giving them an outlet is enough to be free of them.
@ Brett (aka Sam): there is another method similar to Wendi’s that I found that I can really see myself doing. I’ll share it in the next post.
@ Wendi: Holy crap, talk about something to let go of! You are such an amazing woman! And I love this: you are not your feelings. WOW. That’s profound for me, because I’m mostly ruled by my emotions. But I think you’re right. It’s what you do with your feelings, as Brett and I discussed recently. It’s all about the choices we make.
@ Ulla: Thank you. Though I certainly don’t feel courageous!
I understand your fears, but I want to tell you that if you want to be a writer, just write. I understand so well that fear of not writing well enough, but just let whatever is in you come out. Don’t you decide whether or not it’s good. Besides, good is a matter of opinion, in almost all cases. Look at everyone’s reading tastes!
Also, I think your English is quite fantastic. I’ve never read anything from you that I didn’t understand!
Hey, Steph -
I think it’s wonderful that you’re so open and honest with yourself. That will get you very far on your journey toward freedom.
Guilt, fear, and control — Girl, do I share your pain. That should be my personal tagline.
Hey Rebecca – do you think it has anything to do with being raised as Catholics? You and I have a lot in common, when I think about it!
Steph,
Funny you should mention reading posts that are funny. I feel distinctly unfunny right now, and I tried to be funny on my site. It was a complete flop.
Yeah well. Chalk it up to Monday?
Definitely!! Especially the guilt and fear.
@ Beth: chalk it up to Monday…or trying to be funny. I find I’m most often funny when I’m not trying!
@ Rebecca: does this mean we have to exorcise our Catholic upbringing?
Hi Steph,
I add my voice to the chorus of support. Wendi beat me to the suggestion but burning the list is a wonderful idea and one that does allow you to be physically free. None of us are perfect and we all have issues that we work through. Rather than seeing this as “baggage” which implies excess weight that you’re carrying, rejoice for the life experiences that have made you the wonderful person you are today. You have loved, lost, lived and survived. These are all normal things we go through in life. The situation with your Dad, well forgiveness is a funny thing. It is not a one time magic bullet but a choice you continue to make. Choose to forgive him everyday, to accept and love him for who he is and realize that you are free to not be just like him (or your mom). You are your own person Steph and there are no “shouldds,” “must do’s” or “must be’s .” Judge yourself by your own standard, for you are the only one who can live your life.
@ Karen: Whoa. I’m always blown away by your wisdom, and I’m so grateful for your comments here. Thank you. That is an excellent point you make about our decisions being choices we make every day, just as with a marriage. It’s not saying “I do” just on that one day but rather every day that makes it work.
Thank you again for this!
Steph,
I’m looking forward to seeing that method – it sounds intriguing.
I need to do a list like this. The problem for me is actually doing it! I am afraid of what will come out if I do it. I give you a huge credit for actually doing it, let alone publicly. I hope things turn out well for you, I haven’t been reading here long but think you deserve some peace.
Good luck!
Hey Jenny: Yeah, I totally understand that fear. The post took forever to write and I didn’t post it right away. The most important thing for me was to not edit it for content. To be as honest as I could.
Truthfully, just writing and posting it seemed to lift such a weight off. Notice how unpressed I feel to post a follow-up on how to let go?
The post will come, though. I owe it to everyone here.