Push Forward or Move Ahead?
fridayfeeling.co.za
Remember when I was answering Alex’s lab rat questions here? I’ve skipped a few of his latest because I’ve felt pressed for time. And I feel that now as well, because I should be working not posting, and am writing this with guilt written in block letters all over my face. It’s invisible ink — but you can see it in my eyes.
At the same time, I thought these questions relevant to what I’m experiencing now and what I’ve experienced for the last few years, much to my agony. So I’m going to answer them in an effort to ground myself, or get something out of my system (I apologize for the floodgate that’s about to open), and maybe even make some realizations I can put into practice.
The questions, then.
1. Do you need to push yourself to do things, or if you’re passionate about something, do you just go off running and get it done?
“Pushing yourself” implies fighting against something, and I know Havi would disapprove. But because I haven’t got her wicked wisdom down yet, pushing myself is exactly what I’ve been trying to do — and I’m failing miserably. Perhaps because I’m trying to push and it’s actually the wrong thing to do. But first…
I suppose it really depends on what’s motivating me as well as what the thing is. When I was working on EditQuest the site before it launched, I was highly motivated because it was interesting and exciting and I was impatient to see the thing up and running and to have my first writers contact me. It’s still all I’d rather be doing right now.
So I was pretty focused and it was a case of being out of the gates and running. At the same time, the site took so long to get up because of a stupid misunderstanding on my part, and being reluctant to confront the situation, I stressed about it instead until finally Colin pushed me to deal with it. And there are certain things pertaining to EditQuest the business that I’ve had trouble pushing myself to do, and likely they’re actually more important than the site itself, even though the site is the vehicle.
The ebook, for instance, is still not finished. It’s a chore, really, and I keep finding out that it’s not as completed as I thought. At the same time, I find myself continually adding to it because I fear not providing enough value. The editor in me won’t shut up and let me write, the typesetter in me just wants to design and tinker. The guilty conscience in me is stressing and saying, get it done for God’s sake, because you have four more to write, as well as at least one workbook, and posts! And the procrastinator in me is saying in a meek voice, can’t my stupid ship just come in? Out of my procrastination, then, caused by the fact that it’s more work than I anticipated, obligation and chore are born. Both shitty motivators and hard to push past.
Also, anything to do with business and marketing scares the crap out of me. I’m not a business person, I’m an artsy person. I just want to do the actual work. But it’s my own venture and I have to wear all hats, unfortunately. I want to stick my head in the sand when I hear those words. It’s like when someone presents me with even an elementary math question and my brain freezes and I become immobilized. 2+2 = ohgodohgodohgod, it’s math!! I have to close my eyes and run for my happy place.
This means that I haven’t done more than two emails to people who should know about EQ. Sure, I’ve mass mailed my friends and family and posted about it, but as of now, only Tachyon Publications and Preditors and Editors know about me (and approve! Which is why I’m not linking to them. Reading this may scare them off).
A major example, because this has been the case for years only with different manuscripts, is this: I have a 402-page book on Northrop Frye to work on right now. The work is a blessing because I haven’t had any in a month, and I feel grateful to have received it at such a good time. It’s non-fiction but it’s not only an anthology, which makes things easier and less monotonous, but it’s also closer to literature than politics or law (zzzz), which I’ve had recently. Yet in two days, I’ve done maybe 15-20 pages. (I’m trying not to keep track.)
And believe me, I should be working on this and happy to work on it. I have lots of motivation. Serious motivation. The trouble is, when money and desperation are your motivators, even if you’re on the brink of bankruptcy and losing your house and car and other valuables (happyplacehappyplacehappyplace), they’re not the right motivators. At least for me. In fact, they’re demotivators. When things get extra tough, I freeze. I rebel. I bitch and hold pity parties. The worse things get, the more likely I am to want to escape. Well, DUH.
I find this really sad. My inability to kick my own ass into gear rather than give in to my flight responses is really agonizing and depressing. And I’ve been struggling wtih this for years. It’s why EditQuest was born. The thing is, you have to change your mindset before you can effectively change anything else in your business. I need Havi badly.
The short answer to this question is yes, I really have to push myself if the thing is not going to reap immediate results or if I don’t really like the necessary tasks or if it seems more work than I am willing to do or if it’s hard or if it’s boring. And I very rarely succeed in doing it until the very last minute. I embody the thing I hate in others.
2. If you do have to push yourself, what are some of the techniques you use to stretch the boundaries of your usual efforts?
Um, techniques? I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?
(Do crying till you are sick of yourself, bitching until others are sick of you and make you do whatever, and extreme guilt count as techniques??)
3. If you do set a goal and you don’t quite reach it, how do you react? Are you proud of yourself for trying? Are you upset that you didn’t reach the goal? Or do you experience a completely unexpected reaction?
I’m totally upset I didn’t reach the goal. There is no pride. Brett Legree and I were just chatting about this the day before yesterday. I was lamenting the fact that the day had been a write-off and I’d got nothing done. I had high hopes that morning! I was excited to have a job and ready to start working.
And the second I opened the document, it was as though I became a bumbling idiot. I couldn’t string my thoughts together. I couldn’t understand what I was reading. I was bored within the first few sentences. I blamed the particular author. I blamed lack of sleep. I blamed stuffy and self-aggrandizing academia (I have nothing against education in general except for how much it costs, but I was frustrated, okay?). I blamed my student loans for making me have to take any job I can get.
I always think the jobs will be interesting, but when I open the document, all my motivation goes out the window. I surf the net, I read blogs, I make a million cups of tea, I chat with people, I talk to my parents on Skype, I walk the dog, I go admire EditQuest for while.
My theory on this is that my motivators are wrong. I do this solely for the money. EditQuest, on the other hand, is to help fledgling authors get published. I want to do that to see them happy, to help them improve their writing, to get the awesome news that they found an agent!! I would do all that stuff for free. Have done.
This work is for academics and publishers. It’s important, for sure, and I’m obviously needed, and I will do a good job, but honestly, I don’t care much about academic books. I wonder who will read them. Who will be interested in them besides the author and the handful of others who contributed. I feel bad about it, because every published book is a proud moment for an author, and academic presses are important, but I have to be honest.
Back to the question (see what I mean about lack of focus?): all that lack of focus, the struggling with the job at all, is pure agony for me. It reduces me to tears very often. It did yesterday. There’s only so much lack of discipline a perfectionist can take, and when it defines her entire day, all her days, she is nothing but an utter failure in her eyes. So, yes, I’m upset.
I feel horrified admitting all this to you.
When Trying Isn’t Good Enough
But Brett very kindly pointed something out to me that was a new thought. “At least you always show up,” he said. At least I’m getting up every morning, turning on that computer, opening the document, and trying. So you don’t make 3 hours of work a day. At least you’re showing up.
Huh. I thought about that for a minute. It’s true! I do always show up. I do always try. I haven’t given up. And I never miss a deadline. And I’m actually on a conference call about marketing right this moment! Those are good things.
It was kind and insightful of Brett to point out those things, and I know I can always count on him for new perspective.
The fact remains, though, that trying isn’t enough for me. Simply trying isn’t contributing to our bank account and helping us keep this house, for instance. Following up, action to completion, finishing in a timely fashion is what gets results.
Simply trying — and in my case often failing — is no way in general for a person to exist. I’m miserable about the fact that someone so kindly comes to the rescue and offers work at just the right time and I get totally excited about it and I think, there’s going to be money coming in, and the sooner I get this done, the sooner it will come in so I really need to be focused and disciplined and get the hours of work in and Colin won’t hate me for putting all the burden on him and besides I can always play later…
Pushing Forward or Moving Ahead?
You might be wondering what the hell is the difference in the two parts of the title of this post. (Also, when in God’s name is this convoluted post going to end? Soon.) There is a difference between pushing forward and moving ahead. As I said earlier, pushing yourself forward implies that you’re fighting something, that there is a force pushing back. Moving ahead, though, implies ease. Think of when you’re playing a board game and you pick up a card that allows you to “move ahead x spaces.” The card gives you permission to easily move ahead without having to do anything for it. That is my goal in work, in life. To (relatively) easily move ahead.
Trying to glean what I can from Havi’s advice regarding fear and applying it to my situation now, I guess the way to change my situation is to ask myself why I’m pushing instead of moving easily. Why am I unfocused? Why am I procrastinating? What are the things that cause me to jump on them right away to get them done? What are my motivators for doing the things I struggle with, and the things I don’t struggle with? What are the differences?
In a way, I’ve answered some of these questions already. Again, that’s why EditQuest came about. I needed to be interested in what I was doing and shifting the focus from money to helping people.
In the meantime, however, and it could be a while before anything starts to happen with EQ, I need to relieve myself of this daily torture regarding my inability to work, characterized by guilt, poor time management and inability to prioritize, severe disappointment, and ultimately, failure.
I need to stop waiting for my ship to come in (so I signed up for Alex’s free workshop!). I need to stop being so overwhelmed by the stress of not being able to focus on work and the inevitable distress that causes when I see the snowballing consequences. I need to shut up and work already.
The Vikings say if you have need enough, you will totally succeed. Oh, I have need enough. So what the hell is missing, I ask you?
Filed under: self-improvement | 24 Comments
Tags: EditQuest, inability to focus, move ahead, procrastinating, pushing forward
Steph,
Do you have a timer?
Steph,
first I have to congratulate you on holding my interest through that long post.
Second, I think you should go to http://www.fundsforwriters.com and check out The Shy Writer. There’s an ad for it on the right-hand side of the page. C. Hope Clark (the author) writes from experience in that book. It may help you with marketing. I subscribed to her newsletter for a while, and I guarantee you’ll get something out of her book.
Third, try not to worry about the lack of focus. We weren’t meant to sit and read a manuscript or a computer for hours. Could it be something physical is bothering you? The chair, glare from the window, etc.? Or could you rearrange your workspace to make yourself feel renewed? Or go an edit in a coffeeshop? I find that I get more done with a change of location.
I can completely sympathize with the feelings about academic editing. Sometimes it’s such a slog.
Sometimes it helps me to say to myself, “I will read 4 pages in the next 30 minutes.” I can’t usually keep it up for long, but it cheers me up a little.
@ Wendi: I don’t have a timer. You suggested it to me before so I thought I’d try the oven timer before I went out and bought one for my desk. Instead of helping, though, it stressed me out more. I found myself constantly checking the time, not wanting it to beep before I was ready, and rushing. Alarm clocks don’t work for me, either. When I set them, I can’t sleep, just waiting for it to go off, waiting for the time I can turn it off right before it rings.
@ Beth: Phew! I know it was a long post. I felt bad at first, but in the end, decided not to edit it shorter because it was what I was feeling and I needed to get it out. I was overwhelmed by everything that kept popping in my head while I wrote. There was a lot I didn’t put in! In the end, I thought, well, some might read it, some won’t, and I’m totally okay with either. Sometimes I just have to think aloud. When people read it and comment, it’s a bonus!
Thank you for that link, I certainly will check it out! And on my walk today, I wondered, what if all this is a result of something actually wrong with me? What if it is physical, like something blocking my focus gland or something?
Or diet keeping me unclear, or discomfort, or whatever? I’ve tried every room in this house. My desk is too high, my kitchen table too high, the chairs too low, the pillows uncomfortable, the laptop too hot on my lap, the bed not supportive enough, the glare like a mirror outside, the distraction too much out of the house. That’s what makes me think it’s the job itself.
But don’t anyone tell me I’m not cut out for working at home! I get all indignant. I can’t work for someone else. They’re inevitably moronic and I hate that people can decide when I can and can’t take a day or holiday or whatever. I have to work for myself.
You can see the conundrum. It’s perhaps all in my head, the way I think, the mindset that needs to be changed, but with a packed brain like this, and having tried so many techniques that don’t work and with my lack of patience…how does one actually effect real change??
If I set goals, I do so without first believing I can achieve them, unfortunately. And after all this, I fear people will give up on me, too, and say I can’t be helped if I don’t want to help myself.
Steph,
Anything I can do to help out, let me know. This is a very good and very honest, very real post.
I think you’re on to it – money isn’t a good enough motivator sometimes. I know that from personal experience, which is why I started searching for something else.
And though trying may not seem like enough, it is the first step before doing.
Lots of folks like to quote Yoda and say “do or do not, there is no try”. I may even have said it before myself.
The thing is though, it’s often impossible to do something perfectly and to completion the very first time, so if we all followed Yoda’s advice, not only would we be really short and green with hairy ears, we’d probably just resolve ourselves to do absolutely nothing
It *will* click. What are you missing, you ask? Well, I can FedEx you my big boots if you like
but seriously, you have all the makings of a successful person – keep at it.
-Brett
(PS – one thing that’s really worked for me is a vision board)
@Brett: That’s funny, I said that somewhere myself, about Yoda’s advice. I can’t remember where, now, maybe in the ebook. I get what he’s saying but I thought, yeah, if only do is acceptable, then there’s a lot of failure involved. So trying at least is good. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again and all that. And yet…as I said, it’s seemingly not enough! GAK! I suppose I’m confused as to what I think about that.
I have a vision board, actually, but I have to believe in it for it to work. I have trouble with that sometimes.
You said if there’s anything you can do… There is. Just keep being here for me and saying the awesome things you say. Keep going after your own big dreams — I’ll eventually catch on! One of the best things about you is that you take the focus off me, not intentionally but by just being so damn interesting.
Thank you.
What’s a vision board? I’d like to learn more about that.
Like Brett, I like the honesty of the post. It’s something we’ve all experienced at one time or another.
I have also set goals I didn’t believe I could accomplish. I’m getting a little better at goals, mostly by breaking them down or keeping them small to begin with.
@Steph,
I know what you mean about the vision board. But you know, two things that were on mine became reality in the last year – so it seems it works. Just hang in there!
And that’s a deal – I’ll be here, my friend, cheering you on.
@Beth: a vision board is basically a board on which you tack all your goals and dreams, something you can continually look at for inspiration, something that becomes real for you in the sense that the more you look at it, the more you end up thinking those things are already yours, you just have to find your way to them. cut out pictures of what you want or imagine, be it a dream house, financial freedom, a vacation, happiness in general, peace, love, whatever. It’s a collage of hope, really.
Here’s a good article on what it is, what kinds there are, and how to make one.
@ Brett: what were those two things, if I can ask?
And thank you.
@Steph,
One was a car (that is more fuel efficient than my old one) and the other one was the computer I’m using to write my books. I’ll email you a picture of my board if you like. The rest of the pictures are of places I have been, which I would like to visit again (and eventually live there, of course).
Hah!
And I bought Brett’s old computer as a result.
(I got the Vision Board hand-me-downs, I guess)
I have a vision board and I look at it every day. Some are very long term goals, and several came to fruition this year. A vision board can help keep you on track.
As I read this post, though, I get the sense you have a lot of the answers! I really do. And most definitely you are not alone with these struggles. I have experienced the lack of focus, procrastination, answering the “tough” questions because what I was doing was based on “should’s” instead of what I really wanted.
I always remind myself to be patient, believing that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. And it is important to notice fear, procrastination and motivation among other things, they speak volumes about our actions.
Stacey: For sure I have a lot of the answers, they’re in me somewhere! Or else I know them but have trouble implementing them.
I have said before that wherever I am is where I’m supposed to be; I’m here as well as a result of all the choices I’ve made, so where I am technically makes sense. But at this particular time, there’s really a lot going on and I don’t like where I’m “supposed to be” right now!
Friar: Vision board hand-me-downs!! Hey, get your own dreams!
Sorry Steph, didn’t mean to wander off, but I went away to a retreat for the weekend. You mentioned in your post that you wondered if there could be something physically different about you.
I wasn’t DX’d with ADHD until I was an adult. It took talking to a doctor about some of the same things you have mentioned in several of your posts that got me turned around, put on meds and get a more focused life. ( I still use a timer, but that’s just me) I know you have been on a *quest* to figure this out but if you do have that *feeling* that it might be chemical or physical or just part of your make-up, don’t hesitate to mention it to your doctor and get an opinion.
Wendi: I may just have to do that at some point! Right now we just have a lot going on, and I’m convinced there are other reasons for my lack of focus. Besides, I can focus on things I’m interested in! But you may be right. Thank you!
I hope your retreat was lovely.
2. If you do have to push yourself, what are some of the techniques you use to stretch the boundaries of your usual efforts?
Um, techniques? I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?
LOL..that is so me. If I am not motivated, I can’t even begin to imagine what it would take to motivate me. I’m AWFUL that way. I curl up in bed, pull the covers over my head, and hope that the task will magically complete itself.
Panther: Me in a nutshell! I mean, eventually I do it because I have someone else to consider besides me, but even if I have motivation, because I often have a set belief about things — for instance, at this point in my life, I feel I shouldn’t have to be out desperately job hunting and humiliatingly applying at grocery stores and Shopper’s Drugmart because hey, I did do everything “right” and went to uni and worked hard to get where I am today – boy, do I totally hate every single step of the way. The motivation has to be my own, and it can’t be obligation. Because that’s not fair and it totally sucks.
I don’t care what people say. I’m sometimes all about the pity party first.
You have your serial commas and an active intelligent mind, so the tools are there. I think mostly you are just missing cold beer. And maybe some porn. Oh, and a vacation.
Let me know if you need anything else. I’m here for ya.
Bretthead: You got $,300,000? I could use that in a big way.
Were in in your city, I would ask for a job at your agency. And you would HAVE to give it to me, because, hell, I have hole-in-the-crotch jeans, and I know you’d love a pair of those on your lucky, fun-loving team of women!
You need $300k? Hmm, let me “pass a note” at my local bank and see what I can do…
Email on the fritz here at work today, so I can’t reply to your message… argh.
Hope you’re having a good day – Brett
Hey Brett: Woohoo! Let me know what your bank says…
In spite of your email not working (again!! I am frustrated for you!), I hope you too are having a good day!
Cheersing you with my blackcurrent tea…
Steph,
I’ll have to wear a mask and have a quick getaway car…
Cheersing you back with an Earl Grey (now that the fire drill is over…)
Brett: fire drill! Man, that Factory!!
Oh, I see…. hmmm. Well, lucky for us in Canada that our banks aren’t bankrupt, yet.
[ducks]