I Am All I’ve Done

30Jan09

I sit before the living room picture window, outside which falls Christmas snow; heavy, completely vertical lines of large clumped flakes fall fastthicksilent, and I’m suddenly reminded of peacefully watching the same thing year after year in different places, at different times — last year, the year before, when I was 20, when I was 16, when I was 12, when I was 5.

Two thoughts: Wow (because it is so thick that it almost obscures the houses across the street, and for the second time this week I have the day off because of it) — and hmmm, all those years behind me.

It’s the thought of all those years I remember that holds me. I’m reminded of the strangely unbidden question that hit me last night as I lay my head on my pillow: Am I a good person? And then: Am I honourable? Am I proud of my life? Will people speak of me kindly when I am gone?

I think I actually fell asleep before I’d answered myself, or maybe I fell asleep avoiding the question, but I remember it again this morning and allow it to fill my head. Maybe it’s because I’ll be 35 shortly, and I’m preparing.

I studied history in university, along with English, and my interests were particularly classical and medieval times. What I love about those periods is how much more passion there seemed to be, how much more important it seemed for people to live full, active lives, mainly because of a high awareness of mortality. Classical history is rife with heroes and heroines and myths and legends, people for whom how they lived their lives was paramount because of how they wished to be remembered. Honour, strength of character and body, courage, valour, fierce love, and utter belief in whatever cause was important at the time — in other words, passion — all these things litter classical history so that even now names from many years BC are yet familiar to us.

I’m not saying everyone died with honour back then or that everyone did good things. But my focus is on them because it makes me think of how differently many of us live out our lives now. There is less a sense of urgency, as though we take life for granted. We lack passion and purpose, we often wonder where the years have gone because we’ve lived them unconsciously. We are not any longer consumed with the idea of leaving a spectacular legacy or having our name live on.

And why not? I may not be the job I do, but as a human being, I am a culmination of my actions, my words, and my beliefs. Am I living the kind of life my family and friends will admire? Am I doing anything I will be remembered for, and in a positive light? Where can I place my honour, my valour, my courage, my passion? What do I believe in, and when will I find it worth fighting for, if indeed I wish to avoid a complacent and dull life?

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me in your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
Just remember me

I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,
It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun

I’m with you
Whenever you tell my story
For I am all I’ve done

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me in your memory
Remember me

I am the one voice in the cold wind that whispers
And if you listen, you’ll hear me call across the sky

As long as I still can reach out and touch you
Then I will never die

Remember, I’ll never leave you
If you will only
Remember me

Remember me…

Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
I live forever
Remember me

Remember me
Remember… me…

– Cynthia Weil, songwriter

Filed under: self-improvement   |  10 Comments
Tags: actions, classical history, courage, heroes, heroines, honour, I am all I've done, medieval times, passion, remember, strength of character, valour